Waiting for the Bad News…

This morning I awoke to the strangest smell wafting through the house and upstairs into my room.  I was still groggy so I couldn’t quite indentify what it was yet.  It was savory, salty, and had just a hint of a smoky texture.  Suddenly I realized what it was.  Bacon.

source:

Ugh.

Ummmm….excuse me, BACON??!!  I’m a vegetarian so I obviously don’t eat bacon but I still kind of like the smell.  Does that make me a bad vegetarian?  FAIL.

Guess it’s going to be one of those mornings……

I thought I would start off this week by posting one of my hardest challenges for the month of May.  This month is going to be a HUMONGASEOUS challenge for me though and I’m kind of scared about what’s going to happen.

Right now I am waiting on the results from my doctor.  Last Sunday I spent a good 30 minutes with this bad boy to figure out just what is wrong with my knee.

Has anyone ever had to take an MRI??  They are actually kind of scary.  For a straight 30 minutes I had to lay strapped to that bed completely stationary while I listened to this continuous whirring, buzzing, clicking, banging, and beeping that the giant machine made.  Thankfully I was only getting tests done for my knee though so I didn’t have to slide all the way inside the tube.  I’m not usually claustrophic but I’m pretty sure that if I did all that noise and cramped space would have totally freaked me out!  I’ve also heard that the bigger the area you are getting scanned the longer you have to stay in there.  Thirty minutes was bad enough but I can’t even imagine a whole HOUR!!!

Moving on….

Anyways, so my knee has been having some serious problem for the last….don’t yell at me….year.

It hurts like hell some days.  It stiffens up when I walk.  I have trouble balancing on it when I stand.  It frequently gives out on me when I move and sometimes it feels like the very fibers are tearing inside of it.

For a while I ignored it. Ignored it. Ignored it.  I didn’t want to go in and get it checked out because I was terrified that the doctor was going to say that I couldn’t exercise.  If you read my last post then you know just how difficult it is for me to give up exercise.

But after months of it not getting better and having extreme pain I finally decided that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.  I need to take care of my body and give it the rest and respect and love it deserves.  It’s going to be a long hard haul to get it healed but I know I need to do this.

Without a doubt this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have been so enslaved by exercise that I haven’t been able to take off even ONE DAY in a year.

Yes, I did exercise on Christmas.  I have my ways.

But I know I need to do this.  If I can just make it through however long the “rest” period is going to be then I will once and for all finally be able to break this vicious hold.  I will finally be able to trust my body and trust that it will not gain weight and that it is not just going to end up all mushy and that everything is going to be okay.  This is pretty much the last step in truly breaking free from my eating disorder.  It will allow me to finally live my life to the fullest and enable me to do the minstry work I know that God has planned for me.

So, even though I have just started out in the blogging world, I’m asking for a small favor.

Will you guys please help me through this?

I’m going to need tons of support, tons of positive affirmations and information about how not being able to exercise is not going to kill me or make me fat.

I will post the bad news as soon as I hear back from my doctor.

Thank you so much.

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3 thoughts on “Waiting for the Bad News…

  1. Congratulations on summoning up the courage to go to the doctor! As someone who (1) struggles not to exercise and (2) has had knee difficulties (and continues to do so on an intermittent basis…sigh) I really appreciate how hard that must have been. I hope that the news isn’t too bad.

    If you do have to rest, I wonder if it could be a time not only to break the hold exercise has on you, but also to discover alternative, low-impact alternatives that could help you out long-term? Things like low-intensity pilates or yoga perhaps? It might help you feel better about not exercising in your usual way, even as you give your knees and joints a much needed break, and would then give you other exercise options for when your knee does heal. Just a thought anyway 🙂

    • Thank you so much for the support! I’m still waiting to hear back on the test results so I still don’t know how bad it is. Doing Pilates is actually a great idea! I started taking Pilates classes about a month ago and I completely fell in love. Hopefully I will still be able to do it. Hope your knee issues also get better!

  2. Pingback: Woe is Knee!! (and foot) | Girl Meets Soy

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