This is Recovery

This week marks a huge gain in my personal recovery from my eating disorder.  A couple of weeks ago, a couple of months ago, even a year ago I never thought that I would have the strength to overcome this great of a struggle.

I cut back on my exercise. 

Confession:  I have not missed a single day of exercise in over a year.  Nope not on the Fourth of July, not on Easter, not on my birthday, not on Thanksgiving [which I still we can all argue is totally understandable 😉 ], not even on Christmas!  I have my ways….

For the past month I have been fighting with my body.  Not a day has gone by that I haven’t slewn hurtful and hateful words at my reflection, bemoaning my hips, my butt, and my stubborn tummy bulge.  To make matters worse, my weight has continued to increase at each weigh-in.  This is extremely frustrating for me because, according to my nutritionist, my body was showing signs that it was maintaining weight.  Even though the gain is minimal, I’m still freaking out!  Aughh!!!

I also lost my job during this period so the lack of activity brought on intense feelings of anxiety.  I tried cutting back on my food to keep the weight from going up, pushed myself harder in my workouts, and lifted more weights, but nothing seemed to work.

Last week was the final straw.  Sometime last year I contracted some kind of injury in my right knee and right foot because of my overexercising.  I’ve done some xrays and had one MRI done, but the doctors didn’t find anything other than some bone cysts on my knees.  I’m awaiting the results about my foot.  These injuries cause me extreme pain on a daily basis, and make it very difficult to even just walk or stand.  Well, last week my knee was throbbing in such intense pain that I came home in tears.    The extra walking was obvisouly not doing any good for my body and I hated it!  I decided enough was enough.

So the next day I cut back on my exercise.  Now, I’m not talking another measely 5 or 10 minutes like I was doing before, which although was a huge step for me, was really doing nothing.  I mean I cut out a huge, ginormous, massive, sizeable chunk of my exercise just like that.

Poof!  Gone!

And you know what?  I didn’t even feel guilty about it.  In fact I have never felt more free or more happy than I have in a long time.

And you know what else?  I did it again on Sunday, and I did it again today!!

Considering that before I would freak out about missing even just 5 minutes, this is HUGE FOR ME!

Instead have decided to do what I want to do with my workouts, not what my eating disorder wants.  I’ve discovered that I really love lifting weights!  I get so excited seeing my muscles develop and feeling them get stronger!  I also love how sore I am the next morning!!  Today I did this great weight lifting session and I swear, I have never felt more energized, worn out, and happy all at the same time!!  Awesome!!

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure exactly how I arrived at this point.  Basically I have just given up.  Nothing I’m doing is working so what is the point in even trying to lose weight anymore?  And truthfully, I don’t want to have to struggle with my body forever.  I don’t want to have to keep putting it through a grueling and boring exercise routine every single day just to keep my weight down.  If this is where my body wants to be then I just have to accept that.  But I am done fighting.

 

The new freedom I feel is so incredible!  I am finally, finally, FINALLY taking care of my body and treating with it love and respect.  It was a long and painful journey but I am finally on the road to true recovery.

 

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3 thoughts on “This is Recovery

  1. Congratulations Raina 🙂 That is a huge achievement! And it sounds like it’s already starting to pay off for you in terms of feeling better, freer and healthier. Enjoy the new approach and discovering life without the constraints of ‘compulsory’ exercise!

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