Slave to the Machine Part 1

Throughout my long and hard battle with anorexia, perhaps the most painful, destructive, damaging, life-changing, and vicious part, was my battle with exercise addiction.

Now, I was the last person on earth who I would ever even think to develop an addiction to exercise, let alone to an eating disorder.

As a kid I absolutely HATED exercise with every fiber of my freaking being.

I participated in many sports but honestly sucked at each and every one.

I was aggressive in soccer but couldn’t really dribble a ball or score a goal to save my life.

I had no hand-eye coordination in baseball.

And even though I’m 5’9”, I was downright pathetic at basketball.

I even remember “running” the mile in 6th grade and cursing every step of those 4 laps.  Never mind the fact that I pretty much walked the entire thing and finished in 14 minutes.  Pitiful.

Yeah.  Sports and me just never got along.

The only sport that I really, finally got into was cross country running in high school.  At first I couldn’t run 5 miles without practically passing out on the side of the street in a fit of uncontrollable wheezing.  But then I gradually started to get better and found that I have great endurance.   I can literally run for 5 or 6 miles straigth without ever stopping once.  But I’m still slow as a snail in peanut butter.

+= Me

And I never came in first, or fourth, or thirteenth, or….not last.

So you can see why exercise was the last thing on my mind….

 

Before inpatient, I wasn’t totally obsessed with exercise.  I was doing a lot of exercises in my room at night and going for walks around the neighborhood, but I wasn’t doing more than about 30 minutes a day.

Ironically, I blame the obsession on my inpatient treatment, or more specifically, on the quack doctor who told me that I should be doing more exercise.  I specifically remember sitting in his office and listening to him evalutate my “status.”  Well, when I told him that I didn’t really do that much exercise this idiot had the gall to tell me that I needed to do more exercise.

LET ME REPEAT THAT: 

A doctor told an anorexic that she needed to do more exercise.  Seriously?  How stupid can you get?

**Side note:  I find it absolutely hilarious that all of the so-called doctors at this place put me in the category as a normal eater because my diet included fish, yogurt, tuna, and lots of veggies and fruits.  What they were too stupid to realize was how little of these foods I was eating.  It was utterly infuriating that these mail-order physicians thought they had the right to tell an obviously anorexic person that she was a normal eater.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO AN EATING DISORDER???!!!  IT’S LIKE A FREAKING CHALLENGE!  ONCE YOU TELL A PERSON WITH AN ED THAT THEY STILL EAT A LOT, THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO PROVE YOU WRONG!**

Thanks to that doctor, I developed an obsession that consumed me for the next 4 years of my life.

And it nearly killed me.

 

“Slave to the Machine” is a 4 part series about my obsession with exercise.  Part 2 will be posted later in the week.  Feel free to email me if you have any questions or want to discuss anything about this series.

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5 thoughts on “Slave to the Machine Part 1

    • Yea, I have had so many bad experiences with doctors. I am very against all of them. The only people who have ever truly helped me out are my dietician and my therapist. They know the real stuff!

  1. It is so sad to hear stories about doctors who send patients off in a worse condition then they came or dismiss them. Unfortunately many people, doctors included, do not always understand eating disorders and the psychological hell they can cause. Even the smallest comment can set and ED patient into a downward spiral. I understand this all too well. Happy that you have a therapist and dietician to help. I only go to my doc for prescriptions to see my therapist!

    • A handful of the doctors that I have been through definitely contributed to my eating disorder. One of them even told me that I didn’t even have a problem (because I was still at a healthy weight), even though I KNEW I had become terrified of food and was restricting. Since then I have learned to stay away from them and rely on my recovery team. Thankfully God has given me both an amazing dietician and an amazing therapist!

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