Six years ago I was 15 years old and became enslaved by a vicious monster: anorexia nervosa. That first time I stepped on the scale began a long, never-ending cycle of dieting, starving, and hating. I won’t go into much detail because I’ve learned that the eating disorder itself is not the most important part but rather the journey to freedom from it. The only thing that I will say is that it basically destroyed my life, in all areas, reducing me to a shell of the person that I used to be.
That was six years ago. This is now.
Today, through many long and hard battles, countless trials, and endless nights of suffering I have arrived at a place that I like to think is the final days of my eating disorder. I am not recovered yet, but I am getting there.
Before I would be in periods of recovery but not really getting anywhere. I still struggled with restricting at times, and I wasn’t really giving my all in terms of food choices or exercise. But over the years I have made a lot of progress and a lot of gains, both metaphorical and, yes, physical.
I have reached a point with food where I am okay with it. I accept it. I eat it. Hey, I even like it. Sometimes I get these moments where it feels so weird to talk about my previous eating-disordered ways because they feel so foreign to me now.
I don’t restrict anymore either. I pretty much can’t actually, it’s kind of impossible. I don’t even want to anymore. Like I said before, I like food. I’m okay with that.
I used to be an absolute slave to exercise too. Earlier this year exercise ruled my life so completely that it brought me down to my lowest weight ever. I became anemic. I developed a lump on my thryoid. I started having arthritis. No lie. I almost died. It was the worst time of my life.
But I was determined to at least try and get better. I knew I had to, and I knew I didn’t want to die. So, I switched jobs to ease my stress, and sought the help of a dietician who specialized in exercise, and began the recovery process.
The job ended up being a flop. I hate it. It hates me. That’s all I’m going to say. I definitely shouldn’t have based my recovery on the belief that a job was going to make me better, but I’m glad I did. Even though it sucks, it basically saved my life.
As for the dietician, she was an absolute God-send. I am so blessed to have her on my team, working with me towards recovery. She has helped me tremendously in dispelling some of the myths of exercise, food rules, and our body functions. Did you know there’s this thing about a basal metabollic rate where you NEED to eat at least 1500 calories daily just to live???? Neither did I. Blows my mind this stuff.
Also, due to my hard work I was also able to begin meeting with my old therapist again who originally dropped me because my weight was too low. She is also helping me learn to accept myself again and is dispelling the lies of the enemy that are so often whispered into my mind. Stupid devil.
On January 5, 2011 of this year I did the unthinkable. I reached my maintenance weight. I didn’t diet or restrict to get my weight to slow down. I didn’ even over-exercise for days on end. My weight just finally settled at a place where it was happy. Unbelievably, it was at a place where I was content with the weight as well. You see, I have always hated being at a higher weight, and thus always feared regaining weight because I knew that I my ideal required me to settle in this higher range. But for some reason, some strange, odd, wonderful, completely beautiful reason, this time my weight settled at a range that I actually liked. I’m convinced that it was none other than God who did this for me, this one small favor that I hoped against hoping for. I never thought it could happen, but amazingly it did.
Words do not describe how amazed I am, nor how thankful.
This year I am doing my best to regain my life. The world is my oyster, I have so much opportunity out there and so much living to do and I am just going to reach and grab it. I am going to rediscover life, rediscover living, and rediscover how to be happy again.
I have a general idea of what I want to do with my career. I believe that God wants me to somehow minister through girls who struggle with eating disorders by sharing my story, my experiences, my struggles, and my victories. I am going to stop at nothing to do just that.
I am hoping that this blog will be used as a tool for that purpose. If anything, it will just cronicle the gains I have made.
So come along for the ride with me. Learn from my experiences and see what God has done for me. I’m a crazy girl. I love words. I love books. I love the little things that make me shriek with joy. I love cocoa powder, and peanut butter, and protein yogurt, and exercise, and modeling, and the color pink, and puppies who don’t bark, and cats who are stingy, and sticky burning hot days, and old musicals, and Gene Kelly, and apples as big as your freaking head, and the Newsboys before they lost Peter Furler, and boys,and a good workout, and the way the sky smells before it’ going to snow, and boys, and working with old people, and meeting with old friends, and the music at Christmas time, and old Disney movies, and wearing leggins in the summer, and chocolate stevie, and random things, and hearts. I hate butterflies, they’re just too commercial.
I think you’ll like me:)
Oh, and I love God. Oh how I love Thee.