It’s 12:00 am.
I’ve been on the computer all morning just doing pretty much NOTHING.
Reading blogs, watching TV, checking and re-checking emails a million times. And then checking them again and finding nothing (why doesn’t anybody like me???!?!?!?!?! wahahaha!!!!!!!….*sniff*)
I’m still in my pajamas.
I haven’t even taken a shower yet.
The only exciting thing I did all morning was make breakfast.
I’ve pretty much just been sitting on my butt on morning.
I used to hate days like these. The mere thought of lounging around in my pajamas for most of the morning would send me into such a fit of anxiety that I couldn’t even allow myself to sit down for more than an hour at a time. My morning routine used to be as follows:
1. wake up.
2. immediately jump in the shower and spend an hour getting ready.
3. meander downstairs.
4. eat a leisurely breakfast at the table.
5. wait like 10 minutes for my food to digest.
6. Strap on my sneakers and go for a walk around the neighborhood.
My eating disorder was so powerful during this time, that I wouldn’t let myself rest for even just a few hours because I was so afraid that my “inactivity” would cause me to gain weight. This went on for about a year and I found that even in the coldest months, I was STILL pushing myself to get out the door and go for a damn walk in the freezing cold.
Even in February.
I distinctly remember one time that I was furiously banging my feet on the cold ground every couple of steps because they had started to go numb due to the biting, frigid cold. I had to actually stop in King Soopers and thaw out on the way back because my feet were screaming in pain. By the time I got back home I could barely feel my toes and collapsed on the couch in exhaustion.
All of this because I HAD TO EXERCISE.
Did I mention that my eating disorder is a bitch? No? Well it is.
My point is that I used to be so obsessed with exercise that it consumed every moment of my every day. I didn’t get a chance to enjoy a lazy morning because the very next thing I had to do was exercise. In fact, I had to hit rock bottom before I could even begin to start recovering and letting go of exercise.
Now I have learned that it’s okay to spend some time lounging around in the morning sitting on your butt and just doing nothing. I don’t even worry about going out for a walk in the morning any more. I like to preserve my morning and lie around being, well, just being lazy. But that’s okay. I get up extra early every other day to work my butt off at my job so I think I am more than entitled to a few hours of relaxation. Eventually I will get up, heave myself into the shower and get ready but right now? I’m choosing to just stay right here. My body needs the rest. I need the rest. It’s good for me.
So, it’s 12:00 am.
I’m still in my pajamas.
And I don’t care 🙂