Woe is Knee!! (and foot)

Today I had my long-awaited appointment with the orthopedic department.  I’ve been having some SEVERE foot and knee pain for quite a long time now.

At first the pain wasn’t so bad.  It would come and go every couple of weeks and was, at best, bearable.  But then it kept progressing and getting worse and worse and worse.  There were numerous days where the pain was so intense that I literally could not walk on my right foot without intense, searing, burning, constant pain.  When I was done working my shift at the restaurant, I would often arrive home completely defeated and often in tears.

It. was. hell.

It actually got so bad that about 3 weeks ago I made an incredible important decision in my recovery to further BACK OFF ON EXERCISE to alleviate the pain.  You can read about this here.

This past month has been the absolute worst. I have been in excruciating pain every single day.  I have dreaded getting out of bed and going to the gym and I have dreaded going to work.  Every day was physically and mentally exhausting.  I can’t even begin to tell you just how bad the pain is.

I just wanted to give up!

And so I anxiously counted down the days until my appointment.


Surprisingly I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I would be about the appointment.  I had talked it over with my dietician about the possibility of being in crutches or having a boot.  Mentally I have been preparing myself for a long time for the reality that I will not be able to exercise.  And for the most part, I was OKAY WITH IT.

After much prodding and poking and yanking and stretching, I finally got my diagnosis.

Are you ready for this?

I sure wasn’t.

*Deep breath*

The verdict was:  NOTHING.

That’s right, you heard me correctly.  The doctors found that nothing was wrong.

No broken bones, no stress fractures, no torn ligaments, no frayed muscles, no inflammation, no bruises, no nothing.

It turns out that my pain has been caused by overuse, not enough rest, being on my feet all day, and not having proper support.

Did you catch that?


Those are key words.

The doctor told me that what I need to do is ice the injury, buy a better pair of shoes, do physical therapy and get some orthodics for my right foot.

To be honest I was actually a little disappointed.  I know this sounds totally crazy, but I was actually kind of looking forward to being put up in a cast or a boot for a couple of weeks.  I have been in pain for so long that I have been craving the rest and the relief.  Also?  For some reason I feel like I can’t take a day (or a month) off of exercise until I’m literally given permission a professional.  I feel that I would be breaking the rules and being bad and lazy and unhealthy.

Bullcrap. In case you couldn’t tell that’s my eating disorder talking.  Don’t listen to it.  Anorexia is full of lies.  Now that you’ve been introduced, let’s move on.


I can’t help but be extremely GRATEFUL that there is nothing seriously wrong with me.   I don’t have to worry about taking time of from work heal.  I can still exercise.  I don’t have to worry about eating.

Nevertheless, this long and painful ordeal has taught me some important lessons about taking care of my body:


1.  Get an injury checked out right away

Okay, confession time:  I have been having this pain for over a year.  I know, I know that’s like really bad.  Please don’t yell at me…  But the truth is that I was SO SCARED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO EXERCISE that I could not walk into the doctor’s office.  It took me MONTHS and many many days of pain until I was finally ready to begin taking the steps to get it taken care of.  I believe the first appointment I made for my knee was finally in February. 


–I can’t stress this one enough.  I wasn’t until I cut back on my exercise that the pain started to decrease.  And as a result, I have never felt better.

3.  Rest

Since developing this pain I have been resting more than ever too.  There are so many mornings when I will just sit around in my PJs and hang out on the computer.  I understand now that my body needs this rest and I need to heal.  Sometimes sittin’ on your butt can be the best medicine.

4.  Don’t Push It.

I’ll admit that I am still tempted to keep pushing through the pain.  I’m kind of hardcore stubborn that way.  But I am learning that more times than not, going beyond your limits will only make it worse.

5.  Being injured will help you appreciate your body more.

–Oh man, this one is so big.  There is so much about our bodies that we take for granted.  Not being able to walk or run for so long has really taught me how important and valuable my body is.  I may never be able to walk without at least some pain but I am so grateful for my body the way it is now.  When I’m in the gym I no longer focus on burning off a million calories and being super skinny.  Now I’m more passionate about gaining strength and muscle mass.  I get so giddy when I see my muscles developing and knowing that I DID THAT.  i am learning to be so much more appreciate and loving of my body as a result.  I can honestly say that now when I look in the mirror, I like what I see.

One last thing that truly goes without saying:

 I am thankful for this injury.  I know that God directly allowed it to happen because I would have never cut back on my exercise any other way.  Without I would have died.  I would never wish that this pain hadn’t happened because it was that powerful in terms of my recovery.  I don’t ever want to forget it.










It’s Okay to Have a Nothing Day

It’s 12:00 am.

I’ve been on the computer all morning just doing pretty much NOTHING.

Reading blogs, watching TV, checking and re-checking emails a million times.  And then checking them again and finding nothing (why doesn’t anybody like me???!?!?!?!?! wahahaha!!!!!!!….*sniff*)

I’m still in my pajamas.

I haven’t even taken a shower yet.

The only exciting thing I did all morning was make breakfast.

I’ve pretty much just been sitting on my butt on morning.

I used to hate days like these.  The mere thought of lounging around in my pajamas for most of the morning would send me into such a fit of anxiety that I couldn’t even allow myself to sit down for more than an hour at a time.  My morning routine used to be as follows:

1.  wake up.

2.  immediately jump in the shower and spend an hour getting ready.

3.  meander downstairs.

4.  eat a leisurely breakfast at the table.

5.  wait like 10 minutes for my food to digest.

6.  Strap on my sneakers and go for a walk around the neighborhood.

My eating disorder was so powerful during this time, that I wouldn’t let myself rest for even just a few hours because I was so afraid that my “inactivity” would cause me to gain weight.  This went on for about a year and I found that even in the coldest months, I was STILL pushing myself to get out the door and go for a damn walk in the freezing cold.

Even in February.

I distinctly remember one time that I was furiously banging my feet on the cold ground every couple of steps because they had started to go numb due to the biting, frigid cold.  I had to actually stop in King Soopers and thaw out on the way back because my feet were screaming in pain.  By the time I got back home I could barely feel my toes and collapsed on the couch in exhaustion.

All of this because I HAD TO EXERCISE.


Did I mention that my eating disorder is a bitch?  No?  Well it is.

My point is that I used to be so obsessed with exercise that it consumed every moment of my every day.  I didn’t get a chance to enjoy a lazy morning because the very next thing I had to do was exercise.  In fact, I had to hit rock bottom before I could even begin to start recovering and letting go of exercise.

Now I have learned that it’s okay to spend some time lounging around in the morning sitting on your butt and just doing nothing.  I don’t even worry about going out for a walk in the morning any more.  I like to preserve my morning and lie around being, well, just being lazy.  But that’s okay.  I get up extra early every other day to work my butt off at my job so I think I am more than entitled to a few hours of relaxation.  Eventually I will get up, heave myself into the shower and get ready but right now?  I’m choosing to just stay right here.  My body needs the rest.  I need the rest.  It’s good for me.

So, it’s 12:00 am.

I’m still in my pajamas.

And I don’t care 🙂

How To Be Healthy the non-ED way

You probably think this is going to be one of those posts where I give you all kinds of awesome diet advice and tell you what to eat, how much variety you should get, how many calories to ingest, and how to exercise and how MUCH to exercise right?

Because we all know that people who have struggled with eating disorders are complete experts on this kind of stuff right?



I think one of the most ironic and hilarious aspects of the eating disorder is that even though it makes you into a total health-freak and convinces you that you are the healthiest person on the entire planet, in reality you are ANYTHING BUT.

In fact it takes years and lots of blood, sweat and tears to undue all of the lies and deception that the eating disorder has ground into your brain.

Unneccessary information like, “It’s a sin to eat late at night because it will make you fat,” and “Carbs will make you fat,” and “Sitting does not burn any calories,” all get shoved in there and become the cornerstone for your daily living.

Now that I am actually moving further forward in my recovery than ever before I actually reject any and all diet or exercise advice that I may see plastered throughout the world.  I flip past the articles in magazines, I scoff at those hateful “Dr. Oz,” and “The Doctors,” shows (although that may be because I just hate doctors in general 🙂 ), and I block diet advice when my coworkers feel the need to preach.

The point is, I don’t need the world’s FALSE INFORMATION to fuel my eating disorder any longer.  I am quite happy being free from it and I don’t want it back.  Ever.

It didn’t help me to be healthy one bit, and it actually kind of ruined my picture of real health.

But through my recovery here is what I have learned about how to be truly healthy.

How to Be Healthy

1. Eat dammit!!  Sorry for the language but I cannot stress the importance of this.  You are doing your body no greater disservice than by starving yourself.  Your body was not designed to be starved.  It needs food to keep everything (your organs, your bones, your brain) functioning properly.  It will rebel if you do not eat enough.

2.  Eat well balanced meals.  Each meal should consist of some type of carb, fat, protein, milk (or non-dairy beverage), fruit and veggie.  Having all of these in a meal helps keep you fuller, helps repair the damage done to your body during the day, fuels your brain cells, and gives you great energy.

2.  Get enough sleep.  Your body needs sleep in order to recharge and rejuvinate for the coming day.  It also keeps you sane.

4.  Don’t overdo exercise.  Overexercising only hurts your body.  That extra hour on the treadmill?  It’s only further breaking down your muscle fibers, and putting your bones at risk for osteoporosis and stress fractures.

5.  Take a day off.  Your body can only go so long at maximum speed before it breaks down.  And trust me, it WILL break down.

6.  Make time for yourself.  Sometimes you just need to separate yourself from the world especially if you are stressed out.  Do something non-exercise, non-ed related that you truly love.  Go to a quiet place and read a good book, pamper yourself with sweet smelling body sprays, watch a good movie by yourself, window shop, take pictures, draw, anything that makes you feel good.  A main part of recovery is learning how to care for yourself again.

7.  If it hurts, kiss it better.  This is probably the second most important step in being truly healthy.  If you feel pain while exercising STOP IMMEDIATELY.  Pain is a signal that your body sends you when something is wrong!

8.  Invest in relationships.  For a long time one of things that kept me in my eating disorder was my lonliness.  I had stayed behind and gone to a community college instead of going off to university so all of my friends went away.  I was utterly and completely alone for the next 4 years but I couldn’t make any new ones because My exercise obsession and my fear of going out to eat held me back.  It wasn’t until this year when God finally brought some amazing friends into my life, that I realized how much more I valued having friends than having an eating disorder.

9.  Dress for Your Body Now.  When my exercise obsession got out of control last year, I completely lost myself.  I became extremely isolated and downright miserable.  I also stopped dressing up and wearing cute clothes because I was constantly going to the gym.  The only thing I ever wore was my workout gear.   I had also lost so much weight that those were pretty much the only clothes that fit anymore.  And even if I went out to try and buy new clothes I would always leave in a horrible fit of tears because I had no idea which size I would fit into when I was healthy again.  It was awful. 

You know what’s even worse????  I am a huge lover of fashion so it killed me that I couldn’t dress up!!!

I remember clearly that the day that I knew I was truly recovering was the day that I started dressing myself up again.  I had been seeing my dietician for a couple of weeks and bemoaned the fact that I couldn’t wear anything nice anymore.  She gave me some great advice that I will never forget.  She told me that one of her clients had started buying clothes from a thrift shop that fit her body now.  Then, when she grew out of that size she would simply resell the clothes to the thrift shop and get new ones.  It was the best advice ever.  I immediately went out the next day and bought some clothes for myself.  It was when I started to dress up again that I started to truly like myself again and started wanting to take care of myself.  Now I make sure to always look cute whenever I am out and about and just bring my gym clothes with me.

10.  Love Yourself.  In order to be healthy and happy you have to truly love yourself.  Do this by literally telling yourself to your face that you are beautiful, that you are worthy, that you are amazing, and that you are special.  You need to hear this everyday.

There’s one more important thing that I am going to mention here.   It may not apply to you and that’s okay, but it was is the reason for my recovery.  Give everything to God, and trust him with all of your life.  I would be dead if it wasn’t for Him.

Slave to the Machine Part 1

Throughout my long and hard battle with anorexia, perhaps the most painful, destructive, damaging, life-changing, and vicious part, was my battle with exercise addiction.

Now, I was the last person on earth who I would ever even think to develop an addiction to exercise, let alone to an eating disorder.

As a kid I absolutely HATED exercise with every fiber of my freaking being.

I participated in many sports but honestly sucked at each and every one.

I was aggressive in soccer but couldn’t really dribble a ball or score a goal to save my life.

I had no hand-eye coordination in baseball.

And even though I’m 5’9”, I was downright pathetic at basketball.

I even remember “running” the mile in 6th grade and cursing every step of those 4 laps.  Never mind the fact that I pretty much walked the entire thing and finished in 14 minutes.  Pitiful.

Yeah.  Sports and me just never got along.

The only sport that I really, finally got into was cross country running in high school.  At first I couldn’t run 5 miles without practically passing out on the side of the street in a fit of uncontrollable wheezing.  But then I gradually started to get better and found that I have great endurance.   I can literally run for 5 or 6 miles straigth without ever stopping once.  But I’m still slow as a snail in peanut butter.

+= Me

And I never came in first, or fourth, or thirteenth, or….not last.

So you can see why exercise was the last thing on my mind….


Before inpatient, I wasn’t totally obsessed with exercise.  I was doing a lot of exercises in my room at night and going for walks around the neighborhood, but I wasn’t doing more than about 30 minutes a day.

Ironically, I blame the obsession on my inpatient treatment, or more specifically, on the quack doctor who told me that I should be doing more exercise.  I specifically remember sitting in his office and listening to him evalutate my “status.”  Well, when I told him that I didn’t really do that much exercise this idiot had the gall to tell me that I needed to do more exercise.


A doctor told an anorexic that she needed to do more exercise.  Seriously?  How stupid can you get?

**Side note:  I find it absolutely hilarious that all of the so-called doctors at this place put me in the category as a normal eater because my diet included fish, yogurt, tuna, and lots of veggies and fruits.  What they were too stupid to realize was how little of these foods I was eating.  It was utterly infuriating that these mail-order physicians thought they had the right to tell an obviously anorexic person that she was a normal eater.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO AN EATING DISORDER???!!!  IT’S LIKE A FREAKING CHALLENGE!  ONCE YOU TELL A PERSON WITH AN ED THAT THEY STILL EAT A LOT, THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO PROVE YOU WRONG!**

Thanks to that doctor, I developed an obsession that consumed me for the next 4 years of my life.

And it nearly killed me.


“Slave to the Machine” is a 4 part series about my obsession with exercise.  Part 2 will be posted later in the week.  Feel free to email me if you have any questions or want to discuss anything about this series.

This is Recovery

This week marks a huge gain in my personal recovery from my eating disorder.  A couple of weeks ago, a couple of months ago, even a year ago I never thought that I would have the strength to overcome this great of a struggle.

I cut back on my exercise. 

Confession:  I have not missed a single day of exercise in over a year.  Nope not on the Fourth of July, not on Easter, not on my birthday, not on Thanksgiving [which I still we can all argue is totally understandable 😉 ], not even on Christmas!  I have my ways….

For the past month I have been fighting with my body.  Not a day has gone by that I haven’t slewn hurtful and hateful words at my reflection, bemoaning my hips, my butt, and my stubborn tummy bulge.  To make matters worse, my weight has continued to increase at each weigh-in.  This is extremely frustrating for me because, according to my nutritionist, my body was showing signs that it was maintaining weight.  Even though the gain is minimal, I’m still freaking out!  Aughh!!!

I also lost my job during this period so the lack of activity brought on intense feelings of anxiety.  I tried cutting back on my food to keep the weight from going up, pushed myself harder in my workouts, and lifted more weights, but nothing seemed to work.

Last week was the final straw.  Sometime last year I contracted some kind of injury in my right knee and right foot because of my overexercising.  I’ve done some xrays and had one MRI done, but the doctors didn’t find anything other than some bone cysts on my knees.  I’m awaiting the results about my foot.  These injuries cause me extreme pain on a daily basis, and make it very difficult to even just walk or stand.  Well, last week my knee was throbbing in such intense pain that I came home in tears.    The extra walking was obvisouly not doing any good for my body and I hated it!  I decided enough was enough.

So the next day I cut back on my exercise.  Now, I’m not talking another measely 5 or 10 minutes like I was doing before, which although was a huge step for me, was really doing nothing.  I mean I cut out a huge, ginormous, massive, sizeable chunk of my exercise just like that.

Poof!  Gone!

And you know what?  I didn’t even feel guilty about it.  In fact I have never felt more free or more happy than I have in a long time.

And you know what else?  I did it again on Sunday, and I did it again today!!

Considering that before I would freak out about missing even just 5 minutes, this is HUGE FOR ME!

Instead have decided to do what I want to do with my workouts, not what my eating disorder wants.  I’ve discovered that I really love lifting weights!  I get so excited seeing my muscles develop and feeling them get stronger!  I also love how sore I am the next morning!!  Today I did this great weight lifting session and I swear, I have never felt more energized, worn out, and happy all at the same time!!  Awesome!!

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure exactly how I arrived at this point.  Basically I have just given up.  Nothing I’m doing is working so what is the point in even trying to lose weight anymore?  And truthfully, I don’t want to have to struggle with my body forever.  I don’t want to have to keep putting it through a grueling and boring exercise routine every single day just to keep my weight down.  If this is where my body wants to be then I just have to accept that.  But I am done fighting.


The new freedom I feel is so incredible!  I am finally, finally, FINALLY taking care of my body and treating with it love and respect.  It was a long and painful journey but I am finally on the road to true recovery.


Fiber Wars

The Scene:

It is a quite, pleasant evening, and the sun is just beginning to dip behind the clouds, retiring for the night.  A family is gathered around the TV, quietly relaxing from their long day.  Suddenly the front door bursts open and in walks a young college girl.  She greets them hello then begins scrounging around the fridge to make dinner. Voracious from her grueling workout, the girl quickly throws together a satisfying and filling meal and then retreats upstairs to enjoy her grub in peace.  The tantalizing smell of her food overwhelms her and she happily lifts a spoonful to her mouth to eat.  But after just a few bites suddenly her tummy starts to twist and writhe in pain.  She is agony and distress and desperately wishes that once, just once she could enjoy a meal without her tummy troubles.

End Scene.

Hello everyone.  Yes, unfortunately this is the typical scenario that I experience on a daily basis.  For quite some time now I have been having a lot of stomach problems resulting in extreme bloating, constant pain, endless trips to the, ahem, bathroom, and a lot of embarrassment.

Not fun.

I have tried a lot of different remedies but nothing ever seems to work.  My GI doc just dismissed it as IBS which is pretty much untreatable.  Booooooo!!!

My nutritionist actually thinks that it is caused by all of the fiber in my diet.  We spent a good hour discussing what and how much fiber I eat.  I discovered that on average I consume about 60 grams of fiber a day.  That is twice the recommended intake.

No wonder my tummy hurts.

So now I am on a quest to reduce my fiber.

I’m actually a little scared.  I always pride myself on picking the healthy choice and am afraid that I will get fat if I don’t.  Give me a choice between white or wheat bread, and I will always pick the wheat.  Always.

But I am really sick of this pain so I have to do this if I want to get better.

After my appointment I came home and did a quick inventory of my kitchen.  I was shocked at what I found.

The suspects:

My favorite cereal.

My addiction

The greatest protein powder in the world

Alvarado St. No Salt! Bread

Here are the totals:

Barbara’s Bakery Shredded Biscuits:  5 grams of fiber per 2 biscuits.

Cocoa Powder:  1 gram of fiber per tablespoon.

Life’s Basics Plant Protein:  3 grams of fiber per serving.

Bob’s Red Mill Flaxseed Meal:  4 grams of fiber per 2 tablespoons.

Alvarado St. Bakery No Salt! Multigrain Bread:  2 grams of fiber per slice.

Arrowhead Mills Oat Flour:  3 grams of fiber per 1/3 cup.

Wheat Germ:  2 grams of fiber per 2 tablespoons.


Unpictured Eats:

Oatmeal:  4 grams of fiber per 1/2 cup.

Oat Bran:  6 grams of fiber per 1/3 cup.

Chia Seeds:  5 grams of fiber per 1 tablespoon.

A truckload of fruits and veggies:  too much to count 😉


I honestly didn’t realize that there was so much fiber in the things I eat.  I don’t even try to eat a high fiber diet; these are just the foods I naturally choose because I love them so much!

This is going to be harder than I thought….

Did you know that too much fiber can actually be harmful to the body??  I did some research to find out more.

Here are some articles on the effects of excessive fiber intake:

Side Effects of Too Much Fiber

What are the side effects of too much fiber in diet? Unfortunately, too much fiber has a host of uncomfortable and highly embarrassing side effects. Lets see what potential harmful effects of too much fiberinclude.

  • Flatulence: Embarrassing and highly uncomfortable. I can only imagine a day at work, spiced up with flatulence. Flatulence is a condition wherein mixed gases are expelled through the rectum. High intake of fiber can aid the process and cause you much shame as you “pass the gas”.
  • Diarrhea: It is a condition wherein the sufferer undergoes loose or liquid-like bowel movements. This constitutes loss in body fluids, salts and other nutrients. It causes death in extreme conditions.
  • Abdominal Discomfort: This one is not so embarrassing, but uncomfortable nonetheless. The “twaing” feeling in your stomach can be enough to put you off work, play and pleasure. If you know what I mean!
  • Constipation: Constipation occurs when the colon absorbs excess water and this results in hard or no feces. If you wish to know, “Can too much fiber cause constipation?”, the answer is – Oh yes it can! Constipation is annoying, painful, uncomfortable and generally awful.
  • Blockages: Too much fiber can lead to a possibility of a sever blockage. It has been seen that patients need to get operated to get rid of the blockage caused due to too much fiber.
  • Weight Gain: Too much fiber can also cause you to gain weight. However, you can lose this weight without much trouble. I also asked a few dietitians, “Can too much fiber make you bloated?”. Yes, it can! Read more on fiber and weight loss.


What happens if I get too much
Excessive fiber intake can cause
diarrhea, intestinal gas, bloating, abdominal cramps, and, in unusual cases,
intestinal obstruction. Excessive bran and other insoluble fibers can prevent
proper absorption of iron, zinc, and other important minerals.

In extreme cases,
over­loading the body with fiber can lead to an intestinal blockage that may
require surgery. This most often happens to older people whose bowel function is
already sluggish. In these people, suddenly eating large amounts of bran, for
example, can lead to an impacted colon.


Fiber Supplements Can
Deplete Minerals

Insoluble fiber can
bind to minerals and deplete them from the body. Therefore, too much fiber from supplements can
cause negative results. Calcium, iron, zinc, copper and magnesium are
susceptible to being depleted from the body with fiber, according to Colorado
State University.

Fiber Supplements Can
Interfere With Medications

Fiber supplements and
medications do not mix. Fiber supplements can bind
to certain medications and pull them through the digestive tract, inhibiting
their absorption into the bloodstream. Do not ingest a fiber supplement within a
couple of hours of taking any medications.


With all this latest information I am wondering if maybe a lot of us in the blogging world are being too extreme with our diets.   I know that a lot of us eat foods like wheat germ, chia seeds, flaxseed meal, and oat flour on a daily basis.  And of course, everybody LOVES oatmeal!!  But I have noticed that all of these foods are pretty high in fiber and when added up over the day along with all of the fruits and veggies we eat (C’mon guys, I know I’m not the only one who eats her body weight in carrots and cauliflower), that number can get pretty high.

Don’t get me wrong though.  I love eating healthy foods and knowing how much good it is doing my body as much as the next person.  Plus the taste is amazing!!  But maybe there is such a thing as being too healthy.  I’m not saying that we should totally stop eating high fiber foods and scarf down white flour, white rice, and unprocessed ingredients like crazy.  I’m just saying that maybe instead of always eating whole grains at every meal its okay to make half of our grains high fiber, and half of them low fiber.  Maybe it’s not a such a bad idea to choose that a slice of white every now and then.

If anything this is just going to be a further challenge to me to change my strict eating habits and further help me in my recovery.  Plus I can’t wait to start feeling better!  I am so tired of being bloated 24/7!

What is your opinion on fiber?

How much fiber do you consume daily?

Is there such a thing as being too healthy?

Legs, Hips, Butt, Thighs

Yup, this is one of THOSE posts.

And yes, it is going to go there.


Chunky, chubby, bulky, squishy, round, bouncy, stocky, thick, jiggly, dimpled, plump, bubbly.


I hate these words.

No, I really hate these words and furthermore I hate that I frequently use these words to describe how I feel about my own body.

It’s disgusting, it’s degrading, it’s obscene, and it’s downright vulgar.

And quite frankly, I am SICK OF IT!!!

In just the past couple of weeks I have gone on a downward spiral and have slewn any and all of these words at some point at my poor defenseless body.  It seems that every time I have even glanced at a mirror, this inner critical voice suddenly jumps out at me ready to assault the reflection with its disgusting critique:

“Oh honey, maybe you had better eat a few less grains today, your thighs are getting kind of big.”

“You’re looking kind of chunky today girl.”

“Am I fat?  Do I look fat to you?  Do I look like I have gained weight?”

It would be so easy to just dismiss these insults if they were coming from a girl standing next to me in the mirror.  I could take one look at her, scoff, and proudly retort that she has no right to talk about me or my body that way, and promptly turn on my heel leaving the room with my head held high.  Unfortunately this is not the case.  There is no other girl.  It’s just me, the mirror, and my body.

It really pains me to admit that these nasty words are my own.

Why can’t I accept my body for the way it is, flaws and all, and just be happy?  Why does everything have to be so painstakingly perfect all the time?  Will I ever be content?  Will I ever truly be satisfied when I look in the mirror?

The answer?


The cold hard truth is that I will probably NEVER grow to love my entire body 100% of the time.  Knowing how critical I am I will always find something wrong with my appearance despite what anyone else says.  I will never measure up to my ideal (whatever that is).  But you know what?  That shouldn’t matter.  Regardless of whether I am having a “fat day” or a “fit day” or just a downright crummy day, I have absolutely no reason to ever talk negatively about my body.

Let me repeat that:  I have absolutely no reason to ever talk negatively about my body.

My body is amazing.

It is capable of doing the most incredible things, of performing at an incredible capacity, and pushing past its comfort zone and powering through fatigue.

My body carries me through each and every day on strong and sturdy legs that stride down the street with half the confidence I wish I had.  My body knows when it needs to be fueled and knows when it has reached its breaking point and just can’t continue any longer.  The intricacies of my biological makeup fascinate me, down to the smallest most minute detail like something so simple as a fingernail.  Every part of my body works together in unison, depending on each individual part to keep the other going.  They are all important.  I still marvel at how one sprained pinkie toe can cause me to completely topple over because it can no longer support my weight.


How I desperately wish that I and ever other girl out there could own and embrace this truth for themselves.  That we could look at our thighs, our butts, our hips, and our legs, and just love and appreciate them.  Whenever I hear someone cut themselves down, insisting that they are fat, I cringe.  I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them how beautiful they are.  I get sick inside knowing that they are struggling with the same thoughts that I struggle with and knowing how damaging this thinking is.  How it can literally destroy a person.  How it almost cost me my life.

I’ve chosen to title this series, “Why Weight?”  Every Wednesday I will dedicate a post to this endless battle of body hate that we have grown so comfortable with.  Because it’s disgusting and it needs to stop.

You may not be perfect but

You are beautiful.


I remember seeing these ads for Nike about a year ago.  I really love how honest, and raw and open they are and how the speaker is truly embracing her body.  I wish I could think like that.  I want to think like that.

Truly inspiring.

This week I want to challenge you to identify one part of your body be it your legs, your butt, your eyes, your shoulders, your ears, your elbows, literally ANYTHING and I want you to love it and embrace it just as these ads have done  Why do you like that part of yourself?  What makes it special to you?  How does it function?  What does it do to help your body live through each day?  What is its purpose?

Here’s mine:  I like my arms.  I like that little dip in the flesh right below the shoulder where this tiiiiiiny bit of muscle is just starting to peak through.  I like that I did that, I created that muscle by taking care of my body, feeding it, and challenging it with weights and Pilates.  I like how they are kind of veiny and how dark they get even if I haven’t been out in the sun for very long.  I especially like how long and spidery my arms are, like they could stretch on forever.  They’re abnormal these arms of mine, kind of gorilla-like truthfully, but I like them all the same.  They make me, me.

And I am beautiful.

Waiting for the Bad News…

This morning I awoke to the strangest smell wafting through the house and upstairs into my room.  I was still groggy so I couldn’t quite indentify what it was yet.  It was savory, salty, and had just a hint of a smoky texture.  Suddenly I realized what it was.  Bacon.



Ummmm….excuse me, BACON??!!  I’m a vegetarian so I obviously don’t eat bacon but I still kind of like the smell.  Does that make me a bad vegetarian?  FAIL.

Guess it’s going to be one of those mornings……

I thought I would start off this week by posting one of my hardest challenges for the month of May.  This month is going to be a HUMONGASEOUS challenge for me though and I’m kind of scared about what’s going to happen.

Right now I am waiting on the results from my doctor.  Last Sunday I spent a good 30 minutes with this bad boy to figure out just what is wrong with my knee.

Has anyone ever had to take an MRI??  They are actually kind of scary.  For a straight 30 minutes I had to lay strapped to that bed completely stationary while I listened to this continuous whirring, buzzing, clicking, banging, and beeping that the giant machine made.  Thankfully I was only getting tests done for my knee though so I didn’t have to slide all the way inside the tube.  I’m not usually claustrophic but I’m pretty sure that if I did all that noise and cramped space would have totally freaked me out!  I’ve also heard that the bigger the area you are getting scanned the longer you have to stay in there.  Thirty minutes was bad enough but I can’t even imagine a whole HOUR!!!

Moving on….

Anyways, so my knee has been having some serious problem for the last….don’t yell at me….year.

It hurts like hell some days.  It stiffens up when I walk.  I have trouble balancing on it when I stand.  It frequently gives out on me when I move and sometimes it feels like the very fibers are tearing inside of it.

For a while I ignored it. Ignored it. Ignored it.  I didn’t want to go in and get it checked out because I was terrified that the doctor was going to say that I couldn’t exercise.  If you read my last post then you know just how difficult it is for me to give up exercise.

But after months of it not getting better and having extreme pain I finally decided that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.  I need to take care of my body and give it the rest and respect and love it deserves.  It’s going to be a long hard haul to get it healed but I know I need to do this.

Without a doubt this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have been so enslaved by exercise that I haven’t been able to take off even ONE DAY in a year.

Yes, I did exercise on Christmas.  I have my ways.

But I know I need to do this.  If I can just make it through however long the “rest” period is going to be then I will once and for all finally be able to break this vicious hold.  I will finally be able to trust my body and trust that it will not gain weight and that it is not just going to end up all mushy and that everything is going to be okay.  This is pretty much the last step in truly breaking free from my eating disorder.  It will allow me to finally live my life to the fullest and enable me to do the minstry work I know that God has planned for me.

So, even though I have just started out in the blogging world, I’m asking for a small favor.

Will you guys please help me through this?

I’m going to need tons of support, tons of positive affirmations and information about how not being able to exercise is not going to kill me or make me fat.

I will post the bad news as soon as I hear back from my doctor.

Thank you so much.

I love you Gym, I hate you Gym

If I were featured on the Dr. Phil show, this is how my story would go:

I have an abusive boyfriend.  His name is Gym.  The thing is, Gym never used to be abusive.  In fact he used to be quite good to me.  He made me beam with pride and accomplishment when I could run my cross country races without stopping once to walk.  He cheered me on when I challenged myself to go beyond my limits and succeeded!  He was always there to lift me up and made me feel good about myself when I was having a rough day.

But somewhere along the lines, Gym’s attitude changed.  It all started when he teamed up with one of his best buddies, Anorexia.

Anorexia is a real bitch. 

She completely warped my relationship with Gym.  Suddenly Gym started getting really nasty.  He would constantly hound me, telling me that I was never good enough, and that I could never be good enough.  He said that I was fat and ugly, lazy and completely worthless.  Desperate to stop his relentless tormenting, I tried to appease him by spending even more time with him.  But it was never enough.  A half hour turned into a full hour, and then two hours, and then three hours.  Yet he still demanded more.  In just a few months time I quickly found out that it was no longer any fun spending time with Gym but I still couldn’t break off the relationship. 

 There were a few times I considered escaping, but Gym immediately swooped in reminding me in a low, crooning voice that he owned me and without him I would never survive.  Deep down, I knew that he was right and reluctantly ran back into his embrace every time.  Sometimes when Gym was feeling particularly mean and upset he would invite Anorexia over to further harrass me.  Anorexia told me that I was fat, that I didn’t have any muscle tone, and that I didn’t deserve to eat that day because I hadn’t spent enough time with Gym.  They would hold me down and scream profanities and names in my face until at last, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I was forced to obey.  Those were the most painful moments of my life.

I’m sure you’re familiar with my boyfriend.  You’ve probably seen him yanking me along like a chained slave.  Day after day he forces me to spend time with him, never at once listening to my urgent pleas for rest.   There are some days when I don’t mind being around him at all though.  He can still be really sweet and encouraging, especially when he sees the progress that I have made in my fitness goals.  Those are the characteristics that I like about him the best.  However, other times he is a grueling army sargeant and demands that I continue to stay with him even though my knee is crying out in pain from being injured.  I hate that side of him.  No, I loathe that side of him.

I must warn you that even though Gym does have a lot of good qualities, he is still very sly and cunning.  He can turn the simplest thing into a huge issue or completely warp the truth.  He is also an expert shape-shifter.

Sometimes he looks like this:

Other times he looks like this:

Or this:

Most days he appears in this form: 

Unfortunately, right now he’s  looking a lot like this:

He can be really ugly at this stage so I know I need to be careful.

The hard thing about our relationship is that most people approve.  I cannot tell you how many strangers have applauded me and told me how great it is that I am spending time with him.  I kind of want to strangle them because last year Gym almost did this to me:

No, I’m not kidding.  I told you he was scary.

Only my family and my friends truly know just how dangerous Gym can be.  They continually discourage me from going to him and just can’t understand why I won’t leave.  I wish they could understand…

These days Gym and I have ammended our relationship a bit, although he is still slightly controlling.  He is a lot kinder to me and has allowed me to cut back on the amount of time that we spend hanging out.  He understands that my body just cannot endure that kind of stress and abuse any longer and knows that I need to treat myself and my body with respect.  I’m glad that I have finally understood this about myself and can slowly begin to develop a more healthy mindset.  

 Eventually I would like to break up with Gym altogether because I don’t think he will ever change.  He can still be very hurtful and critical, especially when he sees other girls who look a lot leaner and fitter than myself.  But you know what?  I truly don’t think I will miss him that much.  In fact I’ve actually had my eye on another hottie for a while.  His name is Fitness.  He’s quite attractive too.

Disclaimer:  this is not to criticize any of you who adore working out.  I myself LOVE it!  I love the way it makes me feel and how strong I am getting.  But unfortunately my eating disorder has made my relationship with the gym very unhealthy.  This story is an example of that.