Dear Ed

I stole this from my old blog and made some changes while reading because I realized that some things don’t apply anymore.

Ten Things I Hate About YOU

1. It stole my life.

2. It ruined my relationships with my family, my closest
buddies, and my relatives.

3. It has made me fear at least every type and
category of food at one point or another.

4. I cannot shop for myself
without constantly and fervently checking and rechecking the nutrition labels on
every can, box, and bag that I pluck off of the shelves.

5. My memory has
been so fried that sometimes I can’t even remember what life was like before my
ED or even during–I am just living in the “now” moment.

6. I have lost
sight of myself. I feel as if I have to rediscover who I am and who I want to

7. My hands are still horribly dry and cracked, and I constantly have
to reapply lotion whenever I wash my hands.

8. I have become addicted to
exercise to the point where if I don’t get at least an hour a day I will
severely cut back on my eating. If I am able to exercise I have no problem
eating. Ironically, this obsession didn’t come up until after I was released
from the hospital–it’s just another way for my ED to hold on to me.

9. My digestive tract is seriously screwed up. Seriously.

10. It might be distortion, but I’m pretty sure that my body is bigger now (even though I am still a good 15 pounds below my target weight) than it was before when I was at
the exact same weight after discharge.

11. I often have trouble socializing in groups because I won’t eat the foods that are offered.

12. I have become angry, bitter, unforgiving, and hurtful at times because recovery
is very difficult.

13. My college education has been put on hold for a
while and my ED has caused me to spend almost 3 years in a 2 year community
college–I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get to transfer to a university to
start working on my degree.

14. It ruined my relationship
with GOD!!

15. I am afraid to eat anything that I don’t approve of.

16. I used to be a very talented, very skilled and very smart student, but now I have problems thinking straight and getting good grades.

17. I am confused all the time about where I want to be.

18. Sometimes I feel like I am purposely holding on to my ED so that I still have a problem, because I am not quite ready to let go of it yet.

19. Consistently meeting with my dietican drained my bank account so
severly I was almost broke. AND I still found myself slipping backwards, besides.

20. It has made me thorougly despise my body and put it through intense abuse only to try and reach an unattainable perfection.

21. I might be infertile.

22.  My obsession with exercise severly damaged my knees and I now have trouble walking.  This will probably never be irreversible.

23. I am afraid to reach my goal weight, or rather the
weight at which I will be completely healthy.  I have reached my goal weight and am slowly learning to love my body.

24. I still have a long way
to go.  I am closer to recovery that I have ever been before in my life.


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