Woe is Knee!! (and foot)

Today I had my long-awaited appointment with the orthopedic department.  I’ve been having some SEVERE foot and knee pain for quite a long time now.

At first the pain wasn’t so bad.  It would come and go every couple of weeks and was, at best, bearable.  But then it kept progressing and getting worse and worse and worse.  There were numerous days where the pain was so intense that I literally could not walk on my right foot without intense, searing, burning, constant pain.  When I was done working my shift at the restaurant, I would often arrive home completely defeated and often in tears.

It. was. hell.

It actually got so bad that about 3 weeks ago I made an incredible important decision in my recovery to further BACK OFF ON EXERCISE to alleviate the pain.  You can read about this here.

This past month has been the absolute worst. I have been in excruciating pain every single day.  I have dreaded getting out of bed and going to the gym and I have dreaded going to work.  Every day was physically and mentally exhausting.  I can’t even begin to tell you just how bad the pain is.

I just wanted to give up!

And so I anxiously counted down the days until my appointment.

AND FINALLY IT CAME!

Surprisingly I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I would be about the appointment.  I had talked it over with my dietician about the possibility of being in crutches or having a boot.  Mentally I have been preparing myself for a long time for the reality that I will not be able to exercise.  And for the most part, I was OKAY WITH IT.

After much prodding and poking and yanking and stretching, I finally got my diagnosis.

Are you ready for this?

I sure wasn’t.

*Deep breath*

The verdict was:  NOTHING.

That’s right, you heard me correctly.  The doctors found that nothing was wrong.

No broken bones, no stress fractures, no torn ligaments, no frayed muscles, no inflammation, no bruises, no nothing.

It turns out that my pain has been caused by overuse, not enough rest, being on my feet all day, and not having proper support.

Did you catch that?

OVERUSE.  NOT ENOUGH REST.

Those are key words.

The doctor told me that what I need to do is ice the injury, buy a better pair of shoes, do physical therapy and get some orthodics for my right foot.

To be honest I was actually a little disappointed.  I know this sounds totally crazy, but I was actually kind of looking forward to being put up in a cast or a boot for a couple of weeks.  I have been in pain for so long that I have been craving the rest and the relief.  Also?  For some reason I feel like I can’t take a day (or a month) off of exercise until I’m literally given permission a professional.  I feel that I would be breaking the rules and being bad and lazy and unhealthy.

Bullcrap. In case you couldn’t tell that’s my eating disorder talking.  Don’t listen to it.  Anorexia is full of lies.  Now that you’ve been introduced, let’s move on.

~*~*~

I can’t help but be extremely GRATEFUL that there is nothing seriously wrong with me.   I don’t have to worry about taking time of from work heal.  I can still exercise.  I don’t have to worry about eating.

Nevertheless, this long and painful ordeal has taught me some important lessons about taking care of my body:

 

1.  Get an injury checked out right away

Okay, confession time:  I have been having this pain for over a year.  I know, I know that’s like really bad.  Please don’t yell at me…  But the truth is that I was SO SCARED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO EXERCISE that I could not walk into the doctor’s office.  It took me MONTHS and many many days of pain until I was finally ready to begin taking the steps to get it taken care of.  I believe the first appointment I made for my knee was finally in February. 

2.  BACK OFF OF EXERCISE

–I can’t stress this one enough.  I wasn’t until I cut back on my exercise that the pain started to decrease.  And as a result, I have never felt better.

3.  Rest

Since developing this pain I have been resting more than ever too.  There are so many mornings when I will just sit around in my PJs and hang out on the computer.  I understand now that my body needs this rest and I need to heal.  Sometimes sittin’ on your butt can be the best medicine.

4.  Don’t Push It.

I’ll admit that I am still tempted to keep pushing through the pain.  I’m kind of hardcore stubborn that way.  But I am learning that more times than not, going beyond your limits will only make it worse.

5.  Being injured will help you appreciate your body more.

–Oh man, this one is so big.  There is so much about our bodies that we take for granted.  Not being able to walk or run for so long has really taught me how important and valuable my body is.  I may never be able to walk without at least some pain but I am so grateful for my body the way it is now.  When I’m in the gym I no longer focus on burning off a million calories and being super skinny.  Now I’m more passionate about gaining strength and muscle mass.  I get so giddy when I see my muscles developing and knowing that I DID THAT.  i am learning to be so much more appreciate and loving of my body as a result.  I can honestly say that now when I look in the mirror, I like what I see.

One last thing that truly goes without saying:

 I am thankful for this injury.  I know that God directly allowed it to happen because I would have never cut back on my exercise any other way.  Without I would have died.  I would never wish that this pain hadn’t happened because it was that powerful in terms of my recovery.  I don’t ever want to forget it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s Okay to Have a Nothing Day

It’s 12:00 am.

I’ve been on the computer all morning just doing pretty much NOTHING.

Reading blogs, watching TV, checking and re-checking emails a million times.  And then checking them again and finding nothing (why doesn’t anybody like me???!?!?!?!?! wahahaha!!!!!!!….*sniff*)

I’m still in my pajamas.

I haven’t even taken a shower yet.

The only exciting thing I did all morning was make breakfast.

I’ve pretty much just been sitting on my butt on morning.

I used to hate days like these.  The mere thought of lounging around in my pajamas for most of the morning would send me into such a fit of anxiety that I couldn’t even allow myself to sit down for more than an hour at a time.  My morning routine used to be as follows:

1.  wake up.

2.  immediately jump in the shower and spend an hour getting ready.

3.  meander downstairs.

4.  eat a leisurely breakfast at the table.

5.  wait like 10 minutes for my food to digest.

6.  Strap on my sneakers and go for a walk around the neighborhood.

My eating disorder was so powerful during this time, that I wouldn’t let myself rest for even just a few hours because I was so afraid that my “inactivity” would cause me to gain weight.  This went on for about a year and I found that even in the coldest months, I was STILL pushing myself to get out the door and go for a damn walk in the freezing cold.

Even in February.

I distinctly remember one time that I was furiously banging my feet on the cold ground every couple of steps because they had started to go numb due to the biting, frigid cold.  I had to actually stop in King Soopers and thaw out on the way back because my feet were screaming in pain.  By the time I got back home I could barely feel my toes and collapsed on the couch in exhaustion.

All of this because I HAD TO EXERCISE.

EVERY DAY.

Did I mention that my eating disorder is a bitch?  No?  Well it is.

My point is that I used to be so obsessed with exercise that it consumed every moment of my every day.  I didn’t get a chance to enjoy a lazy morning because the very next thing I had to do was exercise.  In fact, I had to hit rock bottom before I could even begin to start recovering and letting go of exercise.

Now I have learned that it’s okay to spend some time lounging around in the morning sitting on your butt and just doing nothing.  I don’t even worry about going out for a walk in the morning any more.  I like to preserve my morning and lie around being, well, just being lazy.  But that’s okay.  I get up extra early every other day to work my butt off at my job so I think I am more than entitled to a few hours of relaxation.  Eventually I will get up, heave myself into the shower and get ready but right now?  I’m choosing to just stay right here.  My body needs the rest.  I need the rest.  It’s good for me.

So, it’s 12:00 am.

I’m still in my pajamas.

And I don’t care 🙂

I’m Broke…Now What do I do for Fun?

I’m on a pretty strict budget until, like, FOREVER, so I really can’t afford to spend any money on anything IMPORTANT like clothes or new jewelry or makeup.  And I would rather not stay at home because I get so bored that it’s like dying a slow and painful death.  So when I actually have a day off of work and my friends aren’t around, I only have three places that I like to go:

1.  The Gym

2.  The Grocery Store

3.  The Library

Don’t laugh.  It’s not nice.

While this may seem like the most borrrringest (is that even a word) list, these places are actually great inexpensive options because:

1. They’re free

2.  They provide endless hours of entertainment

3.  I don’t leave the store crying my eyes out because I’m super depressed that I can’t buy this totally necessary gorgeous summer dress at Forever 21 and even though it’s on sale for only like $25.00 I kind of really need the money for other things like food and protein powder (crack) and the gazillion gallons of gas that my car eats up every freaking week because it’s a freaking demon-possessed car!!!

It has ruffles and lace and everything....

Sigh.

Life is so unfair.

~*~*~*

But all whining aside, grocery shopping is probably my favorite low-budget option.  I love wandering up and down the aisles, scoping out new products, trying exotic dishes, and conquering fear foods.  I also have a certain obsession with snapping pictures of random food objects that I find interesting.  While most people’s phones have pictures of themselves, their friends, their dogs, their grandma’s dog, and their mother, about 95% of the memory on my phone card contains pictures of food.

Tofu scramble, english muffin, veggies, and the obligatory spoonful of tomato paste.

I’m pretty sure I have a problem….

But then again, my grandma doesn’t have a dog so what else am I supposed to take a picture of ?

Anyways, here’s some of the goodies that I found shopping this week!

MEASURING SPOONS!!!

I have an unnatural obsession with measuring spoons.  I already have at least 3 at home, but I need at least one more because they get dirtied so often.

Almond yogurt!!??

Whhhaaaattt????  ALMOND YOGURT!!   I am so super excited to try this new yogurt.  One of these days I am going to have to scrounge up the $1.29 cents and buy it!

Vintage Cereal!

I have always loved looking at vintage ads for cereal and food products.  Something about the simplicity and their weird marketing techniques make me smile.

If only....

This syrupy goodness looks so delicious.  I only wish there was a healthier option.  I also like how they spelled “caramel” correctly.

Whhaaat? Pineapple jelly??!!!

Mankind has done a beautiful thing by inventing jelly of the pineapple.  To be honest though, I’m a little scared to try it because it might be super sour!!

Mango. Jelly.

I. Love. Mangoes.

I love when they are super ripe and sweet and juicy and the nectar just drips down off of your chin and you can eat the entire thing, skin and all.  I eat one at least every night if I can afford it.  I’m pretty sure my life is not complete without this jelly.

I must buy it.  Now!

That’s all of my finds from this week!  Hope you enjoyed!

~*~*~*

What was your favorite thing?

Where do you like to go where you’re on a tight budget?

How To Be Healthy the non-ED way

You probably think this is going to be one of those posts where I give you all kinds of awesome diet advice and tell you what to eat, how much variety you should get, how many calories to ingest, and how to exercise and how MUCH to exercise right?

Because we all know that people who have struggled with eating disorders are complete experts on this kind of stuff right?

Right?

WRONG!!

I think one of the most ironic and hilarious aspects of the eating disorder is that even though it makes you into a total health-freak and convinces you that you are the healthiest person on the entire planet, in reality you are ANYTHING BUT.

In fact it takes years and lots of blood, sweat and tears to undue all of the lies and deception that the eating disorder has ground into your brain.

Unneccessary information like, “It’s a sin to eat late at night because it will make you fat,” and “Carbs will make you fat,” and “Sitting does not burn any calories,” all get shoved in there and become the cornerstone for your daily living.

Now that I am actually moving further forward in my recovery than ever before I actually reject any and all diet or exercise advice that I may see plastered throughout the world.  I flip past the articles in magazines, I scoff at those hateful “Dr. Oz,” and “The Doctors,” shows (although that may be because I just hate doctors in general 🙂 ), and I block diet advice when my coworkers feel the need to preach.

The point is, I don’t need the world’s FALSE INFORMATION to fuel my eating disorder any longer.  I am quite happy being free from it and I don’t want it back.  Ever.

It didn’t help me to be healthy one bit, and it actually kind of ruined my picture of real health.

But through my recovery here is what I have learned about how to be truly healthy.

How to Be Healthy

1. Eat dammit!!  Sorry for the language but I cannot stress the importance of this.  You are doing your body no greater disservice than by starving yourself.  Your body was not designed to be starved.  It needs food to keep everything (your organs, your bones, your brain) functioning properly.  It will rebel if you do not eat enough.

2.  Eat well balanced meals.  Each meal should consist of some type of carb, fat, protein, milk (or non-dairy beverage), fruit and veggie.  Having all of these in a meal helps keep you fuller, helps repair the damage done to your body during the day, fuels your brain cells, and gives you great energy.

2.  Get enough sleep.  Your body needs sleep in order to recharge and rejuvinate for the coming day.  It also keeps you sane.

4.  Don’t overdo exercise.  Overexercising only hurts your body.  That extra hour on the treadmill?  It’s only further breaking down your muscle fibers, and putting your bones at risk for osteoporosis and stress fractures.

5.  Take a day off.  Your body can only go so long at maximum speed before it breaks down.  And trust me, it WILL break down.

6.  Make time for yourself.  Sometimes you just need to separate yourself from the world especially if you are stressed out.  Do something non-exercise, non-ed related that you truly love.  Go to a quiet place and read a good book, pamper yourself with sweet smelling body sprays, watch a good movie by yourself, window shop, take pictures, draw, anything that makes you feel good.  A main part of recovery is learning how to care for yourself again.

7.  If it hurts, kiss it better.  This is probably the second most important step in being truly healthy.  If you feel pain while exercising STOP IMMEDIATELY.  Pain is a signal that your body sends you when something is wrong!

8.  Invest in relationships.  For a long time one of things that kept me in my eating disorder was my lonliness.  I had stayed behind and gone to a community college instead of going off to university so all of my friends went away.  I was utterly and completely alone for the next 4 years but I couldn’t make any new ones because My exercise obsession and my fear of going out to eat held me back.  It wasn’t until this year when God finally brought some amazing friends into my life, that I realized how much more I valued having friends than having an eating disorder.

9.  Dress for Your Body Now.  When my exercise obsession got out of control last year, I completely lost myself.  I became extremely isolated and downright miserable.  I also stopped dressing up and wearing cute clothes because I was constantly going to the gym.  The only thing I ever wore was my workout gear.   I had also lost so much weight that those were pretty much the only clothes that fit anymore.  And even if I went out to try and buy new clothes I would always leave in a horrible fit of tears because I had no idea which size I would fit into when I was healthy again.  It was awful. 

You know what’s even worse????  I am a huge lover of fashion so it killed me that I couldn’t dress up!!!

I remember clearly that the day that I knew I was truly recovering was the day that I started dressing myself up again.  I had been seeing my dietician for a couple of weeks and bemoaned the fact that I couldn’t wear anything nice anymore.  She gave me some great advice that I will never forget.  She told me that one of her clients had started buying clothes from a thrift shop that fit her body now.  Then, when she grew out of that size she would simply resell the clothes to the thrift shop and get new ones.  It was the best advice ever.  I immediately went out the next day and bought some clothes for myself.  It was when I started to dress up again that I started to truly like myself again and started wanting to take care of myself.  Now I make sure to always look cute whenever I am out and about and just bring my gym clothes with me.

10.  Love Yourself.  In order to be healthy and happy you have to truly love yourself.  Do this by literally telling yourself to your face that you are beautiful, that you are worthy, that you are amazing, and that you are special.  You need to hear this everyday.

There’s one more important thing that I am going to mention here.   It may not apply to you and that’s okay, but it was is the reason for my recovery.  Give everything to God, and trust him with all of your life.  I would be dead if it wasn’t for Him.

Slave to the Machine Part 1

Throughout my long and hard battle with anorexia, perhaps the most painful, destructive, damaging, life-changing, and vicious part, was my battle with exercise addiction.

Now, I was the last person on earth who I would ever even think to develop an addiction to exercise, let alone to an eating disorder.

As a kid I absolutely HATED exercise with every fiber of my freaking being.

I participated in many sports but honestly sucked at each and every one.

I was aggressive in soccer but couldn’t really dribble a ball or score a goal to save my life.

I had no hand-eye coordination in baseball.

And even though I’m 5’9”, I was downright pathetic at basketball.

I even remember “running” the mile in 6th grade and cursing every step of those 4 laps.  Never mind the fact that I pretty much walked the entire thing and finished in 14 minutes.  Pitiful.

Yeah.  Sports and me just never got along.

The only sport that I really, finally got into was cross country running in high school.  At first I couldn’t run 5 miles without practically passing out on the side of the street in a fit of uncontrollable wheezing.  But then I gradually started to get better and found that I have great endurance.   I can literally run for 5 or 6 miles straigth without ever stopping once.  But I’m still slow as a snail in peanut butter.

+= Me

And I never came in first, or fourth, or thirteenth, or….not last.

So you can see why exercise was the last thing on my mind….

 

Before inpatient, I wasn’t totally obsessed with exercise.  I was doing a lot of exercises in my room at night and going for walks around the neighborhood, but I wasn’t doing more than about 30 minutes a day.

Ironically, I blame the obsession on my inpatient treatment, or more specifically, on the quack doctor who told me that I should be doing more exercise.  I specifically remember sitting in his office and listening to him evalutate my “status.”  Well, when I told him that I didn’t really do that much exercise this idiot had the gall to tell me that I needed to do more exercise.

LET ME REPEAT THAT: 

A doctor told an anorexic that she needed to do more exercise.  Seriously?  How stupid can you get?

**Side note:  I find it absolutely hilarious that all of the so-called doctors at this place put me in the category as a normal eater because my diet included fish, yogurt, tuna, and lots of veggies and fruits.  What they were too stupid to realize was how little of these foods I was eating.  It was utterly infuriating that these mail-order physicians thought they had the right to tell an obviously anorexic person that she was a normal eater.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO AN EATING DISORDER???!!!  IT’S LIKE A FREAKING CHALLENGE!  ONCE YOU TELL A PERSON WITH AN ED THAT THEY STILL EAT A LOT, THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO PROVE YOU WRONG!**

Thanks to that doctor, I developed an obsession that consumed me for the next 4 years of my life.

And it nearly killed me.

 

“Slave to the Machine” is a 4 part series about my obsession with exercise.  Part 2 will be posted later in the week.  Feel free to email me if you have any questions or want to discuss anything about this series.

Foodie ABCS!!!

I’ve been seeing this survery going around the blog world and it looked like so much fun!!

A is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety?

I love the red delicious apples that as big as your freaking head and are crisp and juicy when you bite into them.

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition,
calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece
of?  

Sunflower Market’s homemade Oat Bran Bread.  This stuff isamazing!! So soft, and sweet! Yum!

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)

Right now I am loving on Barbara’s Bakery Shredded Biscuits. It is the simplest cereal in the world, not sugary at all, but it is so good!

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but
what kind do you fancy?

Ummm… yea…let’s refer to my eating disorder on this one.  I don’t really eat doughnuts anymore, and I actually don’t even really want to eat them anymore.  They don’t really appeal to me at all.  BUT if I did decided to have a doughnut, I would totally have one of those old fashioned blueberry frosted cake doughnuts….mmm……

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?

 I totally OD’d on egg whites when I was anorexic so they really turn me off now.  But when I do eat them I like them either hardboiled, or whipped into some protein oats.

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?  

FRUIT all the way baby!! And also cauliflower and carrots.  I may or may not have a sliiiiight addiction to those veggies.  Oh and also tomato paste for some strange odd reason…..

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours?

Sproutsis my main squeeze.  At one point thestore clerks actually joked that I practically lived there because I was going there so often.  After that I was so embarrassed I cut down my shopping trips to, like, twice a week.  Other places I shop at are King Soopers, and Sunflower Market.

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?

Hot cocoa made with real cocoa, and some stevia.

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
  I really j’adore this new brand called Arctic Zero, 150 calorie ice cream.  The chocolate PB one is my fave.  I highly suggest it as a “starting point” for those who are in recovery that want to try scary foods like ice cream.  As for toppings, I have always been a big fan of adding raw oats and some PB to my ice cream.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?

I don’t eat them very often but my favorite flavor would be just plain strawberry.  Also, I have had my eye on this mango jelly at Sunflower….so I might have to get some…

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?  

My favorite Kashi product……hmm…..oh yea!  I really LOVE their peanut butter & chocolate Kashi GoLean Chewy Bars!!!!  They taste just like a Reeses!!!

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today? SO DELICOUS!!  I made some scrambled tofu with shredded cabbage, a buttload of mushrooms, some chopped carrots and onions.  Then I added sage and marjoram for seasoning, and topped it off with hummus and tomato paste.  I also had some yogi (yogurt), an apple, and a PURE bar.
M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?

Steamed Broccoli.


N: is for nutrients, do you likes carbs, fats, or proteins best?

I am a carb fiend, but lately I am really loving protein.

O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?  I don’t use oil.  Lame, I know.

P: is for protein, how do you get yours?

*Tofu

*Silken
Tofu

*Chickpeas

*Peanut
Butter

*Egg
Whites

*Protein
Powder

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?

I like my oats cooked in almond milk, with 2 egg whites and a half serving of protein powder whipped in, garnished with my special chocolate sauce, and a tablespoon of peanut butter.

R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?

Butternut Squash.  I pretty much turned orange last winter because I was eating it like every other night.

S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?

My favorite sandwich of all time is a tempeh, nayo, and tomato paste sandwich.  If I could I would eat this every day.

T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling? 

 I haven’t actually done any legit traveling since my eating disorder, but when I have to spend the night at someone else’s house I pack a ton of food to be prepared.

U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?  

Tomato paste on carrots would probably be my weirdest.

V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?

Multivitamin; ginger pills for tummy troubles.
W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?  

Nay, I hate spicy food.  I like actually being able to taste my food.

X: is for Xray, if we took an xray of your belly right now what would we see? 

My dinner which was a bunch of different veggies with tomato paste and nayonaise, some oatbran with pb and chocolate sauce, and an apple.

Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?

So many:

*Kraft Macaroni n’ Cheese Shells—ONLY THE SHELLS!

*Lemon
filled sugar dusted doughnuts from Dunkin Doughnuts—probably my favorite memory from childhood.  My babysitter would always get us doughnuts every Friday and I ordered a lemon-filled every single time.

*Bubblegum Ice cream from Baskin Robbins—I have many fond memories of this treat.  This stuff defined my childhood.  Before I die I will definitely have it again just to reminiscence in the old days.

*Dunkaroos (ahhh…nostalgia….)

*Triple Decker Cheese Pizza from Little Caesar’s Pizza—A part of both me and my dad died that day when they discontinued this pizza.  It was amazing.

*Stuffed Crust Pizza, also from Little Caesar’s Pizza

And finally, probably my most unhealthy and weirdest combo ever as a kid….

*Lots of chocolate syrup mixed with many spoonfuls of peanut butter until super thick and creamy.  I also tended to add a few spoonfuls of rolled oats.

Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?

Raw and with lots of tomato paste lol!

Well that was fun!!  I hope you guys enjoyed!!! 

What are some of your favorite foods on this list?

P.S.  I am working on a long and lengthy post about my history with exercise obsession.  It is going to be a 3 or 4 part series.  I will be posting it sometime this week! 

This is Recovery

This week marks a huge gain in my personal recovery from my eating disorder.  A couple of weeks ago, a couple of months ago, even a year ago I never thought that I would have the strength to overcome this great of a struggle.

I cut back on my exercise. 

Confession:  I have not missed a single day of exercise in over a year.  Nope not on the Fourth of July, not on Easter, not on my birthday, not on Thanksgiving [which I still we can all argue is totally understandable 😉 ], not even on Christmas!  I have my ways….

For the past month I have been fighting with my body.  Not a day has gone by that I haven’t slewn hurtful and hateful words at my reflection, bemoaning my hips, my butt, and my stubborn tummy bulge.  To make matters worse, my weight has continued to increase at each weigh-in.  This is extremely frustrating for me because, according to my nutritionist, my body was showing signs that it was maintaining weight.  Even though the gain is minimal, I’m still freaking out!  Aughh!!!

I also lost my job during this period so the lack of activity brought on intense feelings of anxiety.  I tried cutting back on my food to keep the weight from going up, pushed myself harder in my workouts, and lifted more weights, but nothing seemed to work.

Last week was the final straw.  Sometime last year I contracted some kind of injury in my right knee and right foot because of my overexercising.  I’ve done some xrays and had one MRI done, but the doctors didn’t find anything other than some bone cysts on my knees.  I’m awaiting the results about my foot.  These injuries cause me extreme pain on a daily basis, and make it very difficult to even just walk or stand.  Well, last week my knee was throbbing in such intense pain that I came home in tears.    The extra walking was obvisouly not doing any good for my body and I hated it!  I decided enough was enough.

So the next day I cut back on my exercise.  Now, I’m not talking another measely 5 or 10 minutes like I was doing before, which although was a huge step for me, was really doing nothing.  I mean I cut out a huge, ginormous, massive, sizeable chunk of my exercise just like that.

Poof!  Gone!

And you know what?  I didn’t even feel guilty about it.  In fact I have never felt more free or more happy than I have in a long time.

And you know what else?  I did it again on Sunday, and I did it again today!!

Considering that before I would freak out about missing even just 5 minutes, this is HUGE FOR ME!

Instead have decided to do what I want to do with my workouts, not what my eating disorder wants.  I’ve discovered that I really love lifting weights!  I get so excited seeing my muscles develop and feeling them get stronger!  I also love how sore I am the next morning!!  Today I did this great weight lifting session and I swear, I have never felt more energized, worn out, and happy all at the same time!!  Awesome!!

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure exactly how I arrived at this point.  Basically I have just given up.  Nothing I’m doing is working so what is the point in even trying to lose weight anymore?  And truthfully, I don’t want to have to struggle with my body forever.  I don’t want to have to keep putting it through a grueling and boring exercise routine every single day just to keep my weight down.  If this is where my body wants to be then I just have to accept that.  But I am done fighting.

 

The new freedom I feel is so incredible!  I am finally, finally, FINALLY taking care of my body and treating with it love and respect.  It was a long and painful journey but I am finally on the road to true recovery.

 

Fiber Wars

The Scene:

It is a quite, pleasant evening, and the sun is just beginning to dip behind the clouds, retiring for the night.  A family is gathered around the TV, quietly relaxing from their long day.  Suddenly the front door bursts open and in walks a young college girl.  She greets them hello then begins scrounging around the fridge to make dinner. Voracious from her grueling workout, the girl quickly throws together a satisfying and filling meal and then retreats upstairs to enjoy her grub in peace.  The tantalizing smell of her food overwhelms her and she happily lifts a spoonful to her mouth to eat.  But after just a few bites suddenly her tummy starts to twist and writhe in pain.  She is agony and distress and desperately wishes that once, just once she could enjoy a meal without her tummy troubles.

End Scene.

Hello everyone.  Yes, unfortunately this is the typical scenario that I experience on a daily basis.  For quite some time now I have been having a lot of stomach problems resulting in extreme bloating, constant pain, endless trips to the, ahem, bathroom, and a lot of embarrassment.

Not fun.

I have tried a lot of different remedies but nothing ever seems to work.  My GI doc just dismissed it as IBS which is pretty much untreatable.  Booooooo!!!

My nutritionist actually thinks that it is caused by all of the fiber in my diet.  We spent a good hour discussing what and how much fiber I eat.  I discovered that on average I consume about 60 grams of fiber a day.  That is twice the recommended intake.

No wonder my tummy hurts.

So now I am on a quest to reduce my fiber.

I’m actually a little scared.  I always pride myself on picking the healthy choice and am afraid that I will get fat if I don’t.  Give me a choice between white or wheat bread, and I will always pick the wheat.  Always.

But I am really sick of this pain so I have to do this if I want to get better.

After my appointment I came home and did a quick inventory of my kitchen.  I was shocked at what I found.

The suspects:

My favorite cereal.

My addiction

The greatest protein powder in the world

Alvarado St. No Salt! Bread

Here are the totals:

Barbara’s Bakery Shredded Biscuits:  5 grams of fiber per 2 biscuits.

Cocoa Powder:  1 gram of fiber per tablespoon.

Life’s Basics Plant Protein:  3 grams of fiber per serving.

Bob’s Red Mill Flaxseed Meal:  4 grams of fiber per 2 tablespoons.

Alvarado St. Bakery No Salt! Multigrain Bread:  2 grams of fiber per slice.

Arrowhead Mills Oat Flour:  3 grams of fiber per 1/3 cup.

Wheat Germ:  2 grams of fiber per 2 tablespoons.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Unpictured Eats:

Oatmeal:  4 grams of fiber per 1/2 cup.

Oat Bran:  6 grams of fiber per 1/3 cup.

Chia Seeds:  5 grams of fiber per 1 tablespoon.

A truckload of fruits and veggies:  too much to count 😉

HOLY FIBER BATMAN!!

I honestly didn’t realize that there was so much fiber in the things I eat.  I don’t even try to eat a high fiber diet; these are just the foods I naturally choose because I love them so much!

This is going to be harder than I thought….

Did you know that too much fiber can actually be harmful to the body??  I did some research to find out more.

Here are some articles on the effects of excessive fiber intake:

Side Effects of Too Much Fiber

What are the side effects of too much fiber in diet? Unfortunately, too much fiber has a host of uncomfortable and highly embarrassing side effects. Lets see what potential harmful effects of too much fiberinclude.

  • Flatulence: Embarrassing and highly uncomfortable. I can only imagine a day at work, spiced up with flatulence. Flatulence is a condition wherein mixed gases are expelled through the rectum. High intake of fiber can aid the process and cause you much shame as you “pass the gas”.
  • Diarrhea: It is a condition wherein the sufferer undergoes loose or liquid-like bowel movements. This constitutes loss in body fluids, salts and other nutrients. It causes death in extreme conditions.
  • Abdominal Discomfort: This one is not so embarrassing, but uncomfortable nonetheless. The “twaing” feeling in your stomach can be enough to put you off work, play and pleasure. If you know what I mean!
  • Constipation: Constipation occurs when the colon absorbs excess water and this results in hard or no feces. If you wish to know, “Can too much fiber cause constipation?”, the answer is – Oh yes it can! Constipation is annoying, painful, uncomfortable and generally awful.
  • Blockages: Too much fiber can lead to a possibility of a sever blockage. It has been seen that patients need to get operated to get rid of the blockage caused due to too much fiber.
  • Weight Gain: Too much fiber can also cause you to gain weight. However, you can lose this weight without much trouble. I also asked a few dietitians, “Can too much fiber make you bloated?”. Yes, it can! Read more on fiber and weight loss.

source:

What happens if I get too much
fiber?
Excessive fiber intake can cause
diarrhea, intestinal gas, bloating, abdominal cramps, and, in unusual cases,
intestinal obstruction. Excessive bran and other insoluble fibers can prevent
proper absorption of iron, zinc, and other important minerals.

In extreme cases,
over­loading the body with fiber can lead to an intestinal blockage that may
require surgery. This most often happens to older people whose bowel function is
already sluggish. In these people, suddenly eating large amounts of bran, for
example, can lead to an impacted colon.

source:

Fiber Supplements Can
Deplete Minerals

Insoluble fiber can
bind to minerals and deplete them from the body. Therefore, too much fiber from supplements can
cause negative results. Calcium, iron, zinc, copper and magnesium are
susceptible to being depleted from the body with fiber, according to Colorado
State University.

Fiber Supplements Can
Interfere With Medications

Fiber supplements and
medications do not mix. Fiber supplements can bind
to certain medications and pull them through the digestive tract, inhibiting
their absorption into the bloodstream. Do not ingest a fiber supplement within a
couple of hours of taking any medications.

source:

With all this latest information I am wondering if maybe a lot of us in the blogging world are being too extreme with our diets.   I know that a lot of us eat foods like wheat germ, chia seeds, flaxseed meal, and oat flour on a daily basis.  And of course, everybody LOVES oatmeal!!  But I have noticed that all of these foods are pretty high in fiber and when added up over the day along with all of the fruits and veggies we eat (C’mon guys, I know I’m not the only one who eats her body weight in carrots and cauliflower), that number can get pretty high.

Don’t get me wrong though.  I love eating healthy foods and knowing how much good it is doing my body as much as the next person.  Plus the taste is amazing!!  But maybe there is such a thing as being too healthy.  I’m not saying that we should totally stop eating high fiber foods and scarf down white flour, white rice, and unprocessed ingredients like crazy.  I’m just saying that maybe instead of always eating whole grains at every meal its okay to make half of our grains high fiber, and half of them low fiber.  Maybe it’s not a such a bad idea to choose that a slice of white every now and then.

If anything this is just going to be a further challenge to me to change my strict eating habits and further help me in my recovery.  Plus I can’t wait to start feeling better!  I am so tired of being bloated 24/7!

What is your opinion on fiber?

How much fiber do you consume daily?

Is there such a thing as being too healthy?

Legs, Hips, Butt, Thighs

Yup, this is one of THOSE posts.

And yes, it is going to go there.

hips

Chunky, chubby, bulky, squishy, round, bouncy, stocky, thick, jiggly, dimpled, plump, bubbly.

FAT.

I hate these words.

No, I really hate these words and furthermore I hate that I frequently use these words to describe how I feel about my own body.

It’s disgusting, it’s degrading, it’s obscene, and it’s downright vulgar.

And quite frankly, I am SICK OF IT!!!

In just the past couple of weeks I have gone on a downward spiral and have slewn any and all of these words at some point at my poor defenseless body.  It seems that every time I have even glanced at a mirror, this inner critical voice suddenly jumps out at me ready to assault the reflection with its disgusting critique:

“Oh honey, maybe you had better eat a few less grains today, your thighs are getting kind of big.”

“You’re looking kind of chunky today girl.”

“Am I fat?  Do I look fat to you?  Do I look like I have gained weight?”

It would be so easy to just dismiss these insults if they were coming from a girl standing next to me in the mirror.  I could take one look at her, scoff, and proudly retort that she has no right to talk about me or my body that way, and promptly turn on my heel leaving the room with my head held high.  Unfortunately this is not the case.  There is no other girl.  It’s just me, the mirror, and my body.

It really pains me to admit that these nasty words are my own.

Why can’t I accept my body for the way it is, flaws and all, and just be happy?  Why does everything have to be so painstakingly perfect all the time?  Will I ever be content?  Will I ever truly be satisfied when I look in the mirror?

The answer?

No.

The cold hard truth is that I will probably NEVER grow to love my entire body 100% of the time.  Knowing how critical I am I will always find something wrong with my appearance despite what anyone else says.  I will never measure up to my ideal (whatever that is).  But you know what?  That shouldn’t matter.  Regardless of whether I am having a “fat day” or a “fit day” or just a downright crummy day, I have absolutely no reason to ever talk negatively about my body.

Let me repeat that:  I have absolutely no reason to ever talk negatively about my body.

My body is amazing.

It is capable of doing the most incredible things, of performing at an incredible capacity, and pushing past its comfort zone and powering through fatigue.

My body carries me through each and every day on strong and sturdy legs that stride down the street with half the confidence I wish I had.  My body knows when it needs to be fueled and knows when it has reached its breaking point and just can’t continue any longer.  The intricacies of my biological makeup fascinate me, down to the smallest most minute detail like something so simple as a fingernail.  Every part of my body works together in unison, depending on each individual part to keep the other going.  They are all important.  I still marvel at how one sprained pinkie toe can cause me to completely topple over because it can no longer support my weight.

Amazing.

How I desperately wish that I and ever other girl out there could own and embrace this truth for themselves.  That we could look at our thighs, our butts, our hips, and our legs, and just love and appreciate them.  Whenever I hear someone cut themselves down, insisting that they are fat, I cringe.  I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them how beautiful they are.  I get sick inside knowing that they are struggling with the same thoughts that I struggle with and knowing how damaging this thinking is.  How it can literally destroy a person.  How it almost cost me my life.

I’ve chosen to title this series, “Why Weight?”  Every Wednesday I will dedicate a post to this endless battle of body hate that we have grown so comfortable with.  Because it’s disgusting and it needs to stop.

You may not be perfect but

You are beautiful.

Period.

I remember seeing these ads for Nike about a year ago.  I really love how honest, and raw and open they are and how the speaker is truly embracing her body.  I wish I could think like that.  I want to think like that.

Truly inspiring.

This week I want to challenge you to identify one part of your body be it your legs, your butt, your eyes, your shoulders, your ears, your elbows, literally ANYTHING and I want you to love it and embrace it just as these ads have done  Why do you like that part of yourself?  What makes it special to you?  How does it function?  What does it do to help your body live through each day?  What is its purpose?

Here’s mine:  I like my arms.  I like that little dip in the flesh right below the shoulder where this tiiiiiiny bit of muscle is just starting to peak through.  I like that I did that, I created that muscle by taking care of my body, feeding it, and challenging it with weights and Pilates.  I like how they are kind of veiny and how dark they get even if I haven’t been out in the sun for very long.  I especially like how long and spidery my arms are, like they could stretch on forever.  They’re abnormal these arms of mine, kind of gorilla-like truthfully, but I like them all the same.  They make me, me.

And I am beautiful.

Knock, Knock….

Who’s there?

ABOUT TIME.

About time who?

ABOUT TIME FOR A PROTEIN POWDER REVIEW!!!

Okay so that was about the lamest joke ever…..

but who cares because

Lookie what came in the mail!!!

About a week ago the folks who make About Time whey protein products sent me some of their samples to review.

I am a huge fan of protein powders and love experimenting with new ones!  Some have been good, some not so good, and some just downright nasty.  So of course I was ecstatic about trying out a new brand.

They sent me 6 DELICIOUS FLAVORS

–Chocolate

–Vanilla

–Peaches and Cream

–Strawberry

–Birthday Cake

–Cinnamon Swirl

I decided to start off with some of my beloved tofu-pudding.  I chose the Birthday Cake flavor and happily got to work.  To be honest I was kind of disappointed with the way it turned out.  Usually when I make my tofu pudding I need some kind of sweetener to mask the taste of the tofu.  I was hoping that this protein powder would be sweet enough to do the trick but unfortunately I could barely taste the Birthday Cake flavor at all.  Bummer.

A smoothie was next up on the list!

I settled on making a strawberry-rhubarb smoothie after uncovering some long-forgotten frozen rhubarb lurking in my freezer!  The verdict?

AMAZING!!!

The strawberry flavor instantly hit my tongue with a rich, fruity taste that wasn’t too sickeningly sweet.  It also paired very nicely with the rhubarb, recreating one of my favorite desserts (Strawberry Rhubarb pie) as a child.

Strawberry Rhubarb Smoothie

1c Almond Milk

1/2c Frozen Rhubarb (I wouldn’t recommend using more than 1/2c because the rhubarb will be too tart).

1 serving About Time Strawberry Flavor Whey Protein Powder

Delicious!!

This is the perfect recovery drink after a hard workout.  Nice and crisp and fresh!!

Overall, here is what I rated the About Time Protein Powders based on 4 criteria:

Taste Factor–9

Even just straight off the spoon this protein powder is amazing.  It has a really sweet taste without any chemical aftertaste.

Mixability–7.5

The powder tends to have a very chalky texture that is hard to break down when you are just mixing it into plain yogurt or a glass of milk.  My favorite way to use protein powder is to stir it into yogurt so I was disappointed that it didn’t dissolve completely.  It works excellent in smoothies as you can see above.

Texture–7

I wasn’t too crazy about the texture because like most whey protein powders I have tried, it tends to be very slimy and thick when mixed together.  This is just my personal preference though.

Nutrition–10

I was completely blown away by how AWESOME the nutrition stats on this product are.  They are low in calories, have no carbohydrates or sugars, and don’t have any funky or artificial ingredients.  Check it out!!

Are those stats awesome or what?

In addition to protein powders, the company also boasts an array of other protein supplements.  More information can be found on their website www.tryabouttime.com.

It’s About Time you checked them out for yourself!!!